Coping and Healing after Loss of Friends

In this episode of Heartbreak Warfare Podcast, host Chase Peckham and Caroline Motycka open up about a part of grief that often goes unspoken—the loss of friends they grew deeply connected to through the colon cancer advocacy community.

What began as shared support through unimaginable circumstances became something much more: real friendships, a chosen family bound by understanding, resilience, and love. Chase and Caroline discuss the unique closeness that forms when people walk through cancer together—the late-night check-ins, the shared victories and setbacks, and the heartbreaking reality that this community can also experience profound loss.

They reflect on how these friendships leave a lasting impact, how grief can resurface with every loss, and how honoring those relationships helps keep their memories alive. This is a heartfelt conversation about connection, community, and carrying forward the love of those no longer here.

#HeartbreakWarfarePodcast #ColonCancerAwareness #FightCRC #Colon Cancer Coalition #GriefJourney #WidowedLife #CancerAdvocacy #SupportCommunity #HealingTogether #NeverForgotten

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:12

Welcome to Heartbreak Warfare, the podcast about love, loss, and the absolutely unhinged things we do in the name of free. This definitely isn't a self-help show. And we're not here to tell you everything happens for a reason. Because honestly, sometimes it just doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

What does happen is heartbreak. And when it shows up, it doesn't just knock. It flips your life upside down, messes with your brain chemistry, and convinces you that crying in your car or laughing at the worst possible moment is somehow normal.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

Here we talk about the love that mattered, the loss that changed us, and the messy, human, a lot of times questionable coping mechanisms that come with it.

SPEAKER_00 1:04

You belong here. And I'm Chase Peckham. This is Heartbreak Warfare. And you're not broken. You're just surviving love and loss the best way you know how. Let's get into it. Well, hello there. So good to see you. It's it's been a minute since you and I have actually gotten to talk. And I will say, we we in between the broad range of episodes that we've had, we did record a guest, and there was some terrible audio issues that we couldn't fix. So we we will bring Megan back because it was such a great episode. Um, but there was nothing I could do about the audio that was screwed up. But other than that, how are you?

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Like life happens, right? That's what it's all about. Heartbreak warfare, it's all about the weird, crazy, shitty sometimes stuff that happens in the midst of trying to do something really great for us for our peeps. Yes. It's okay. It's all good. I'm good. Um, I'm so glad to be back with you and to chat again and to get this moving along. We've got so many cool things to dive into. Um, I've been on the go as life um quickly unfolds, as you well know. Um, doing the things I do best, advocating and meeting people and building relationships and going out there and talking about my story because our stories are important and pushing forward um, you know, advocacy efforts um with my organization. So I've been traveling all over the place. I think in March at Call On Congress, we started and I don't think I've stopped yet. Um, but I think there's a little slowdown coming, and I'm super excited to get back on track with Heartbreak Warfare.

SPEAKER_00 3:00

I absolutely I I have it's kind of like where's Waldo? I have no idea what Caroline is. Uh and I will be like, oh, we're meeting up tomorrow, and then you're like, oh, I'm in so-and-so, and I'm in so-and-so. And uh so the you mentioned that you're talking about your story and you've told your story on this podcast. Um, is this something that is you're doing more of now for Fight CRC? Or is this just something that you've been doing as part of your job and it's a busy time of year?

SPEAKER_01 3:34

It's a busy time of year. You know, I think I always remind peeps that are um that have, you know, are going through what we've gone through that you always have to continue to tell your story. But now my story, I'm really I have this really fortunate opportunity to sit with, um, to sit in a space that um, you know, people that people we've lost don't get to sit in anymore. And it's kind of an honor to be able to get to sit in the space and and tell my story um because I carry a lot of people's names with me. Um and I get to have a seat at the table. And so it's an honor to get to do the work I do because in telling my story, I tell their story, I tell Liz Healy's story, uh, I tell Markham Rollins' story, I tell Mike Mancini's story, I tell Carrie, uh, you know, Carrie's story, I tell Chase's story, um, on top of telling my story. And that's what drives the work that we do at Fight CRC. So it kind of goes together, you know. I mean, what I'm doing for building community goes aside of talking about the people that are impacted by this disease by colorectal cancer, and then, you know, what it means to, you know, to do the work for them. And then, you know, sitting at the table for those we've lost, and boy, it's been a rough, you know, few months is such an honor.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

I was gonna say it it has been a rough few months. Um, losing some people that have been in the excuse the pun fight um with Fight CRC and survivors that are out there who are no longer with us. Um, you mentioned uh Liz, and we got to get together just after Liz had passed when we were at the um Guard Classic. And then Markham who Markham Rollins, who was not there because we knew he had kind of taken a turn, there was a lot of talk about him and missing him, but he was still with us at the time. And since then, and since the last time you and I recorded this, he has since passed. And for me, and I didn't even know Markham that well. I met him a few times. Um, but he was a he was a force as far as this advocacy goes. And and he was in the middle of everything from what I could see. And you got to see that firsthand. So how are you doing? Because I mean, you're on the front lines with those guys.

SPEAKER_01 6:21

You know, I can't say that it doesn't hurt. Um, every single person that you meet and every story that you hear impacts you um in a certain way. And, you know, I you you build special relationships that, you know, they grow from, you know, blue family to to family to real, really real relationships. And I it used to be really, really difficult for me to figure out how to place that and you know, what to do with the grief, you know, that came with losing people. I mean, losing Mike, um, and then, you know, all the people that I've that have left. Um, but now I have a sense of clarity and it brings me joy, even though it still hurts and it's still hard, and it it still is something that um I haven't necessarily figured out how to, you know, how to not allow those relationships in because they're just beautiful. You know, they're just people, they're just beautiful people that come together. And and I've been able to just put it into a space of just fierce gratitude for being able to sit in a space with them for even a moment of time and being able to share the joys of life and be enriched personally by what they've offered me and what I've been able to also offer them a little bit of joy along the way. And boy, I just I I reconcile it to the job that I do and the work that we do, you know, whether it's fight CRC and, you know, in what I do at work or or this podcast, I I equal it to the fight has to continue because first they would want it that way. And, you know, you're charged to do that. And then I find this immense power in the loss because I know that I now have that voice. And I it's so meaningful to take the that voice with me and sit at the table and be able, like I said, I mentioned earlier, be able to tell their stories and be able to take the work and the priorities that we want for prevention to bring it to life for them and to honor them. And that's the joy, the joy side of the grief that we go through. Um, I think in this space where we we work so closely with people that we lose, you know, quite often. It's a joy-filled experience to have been able to have them be enriched in your life and also just be, I'm just so proud that I get to carry them with me and do the work and hopefully down the road be able to say, boy, we, you know, we made a change because of all these people.

SPEAKER_00 8:57

You know, that's interesting, is is I I've I don't know if it's because I'm you know I'm a few months away from being four years since Carrie passed. And uh and she was the main focus of the person that I had lost for many years until a couple of years ago when I started to meet with your whole world and this world that we're in now. My whole world. And and meaning, well, the advocacy and the being in the center of what's going on in the colon cancer, colorectal cancer world. And I've gotten to meet so many of these people, and I mean I feel more rich that I got to know Liz and what a powerful human being she was, and Markham as well. I think as much as I'm sad for them, I'm not sad for them as directly as I am their families. I think that's where I get her, I think that's where I get more of the gut punch in my stomach, is knowing like myself still hear what it's like for Liz's daughter and her husband and her extended family that don't get to be with her every day. Liz and my and and Markham, depending on no matter how I'm not gonna get into the religious thing or or or spiritual or whatever, I believe they are not in pain anymore. I believe they are in a in a better place. Um just like I feel Carrie is and Mike is, but we as human beings that are on this planet still, um, we have to make our way through life day to day like we did when they were here. And that's extraordinarily difficult to do, especially when it's fresh. So like Markham's wife and his parents, and that they don't quite get to see him on the daily anymore. And it's so difficult to navigate those emotions and that deafening silence that comes from them not being there anymore. Um, and that's I think where I I've been having the biggest issue when we get news that we lose those people is you know, there's the people that were in the the quote unquote, Carrie hated this, in the fight with them, but we now, you know, they have to move on. And I'm you know so happy that I get to speak with a lot of with with them and be able to help them kind of navigate you know, this time of what do I do with the time that I used to have taking care of Liz and that's all of a sudden you've got this whole life.

SPEAKER_01 11:46

Yeah, like that's also a cool thing that we get to do, you know, together is an I mean listen, it is a gut punch and it is hard to experience the loss with people when you know kind of what's I mean, we both knew. We both know what's like what that looks like. So it's immensely painful for us to not you know, to to not speak on what, you know, the the future and you know, kind of hold on to hope when we kind of know what, you know, is inevitably at hand, right? But on the other side of that, I I don't know about you, but it it it does I think you and I both were fortunate that we got to have those conversations with our people and we know like how to lift per somebody up in the the the pieces of grief that we've already went through. And and and also we know when to back off and leave people alone too. You know, like people need space. You know, I think what you said isn't important is that we get to we get to carry a we get to not carry, we get to stand alongside of them and you know, help guide them. And that's part of the job that we do. I think going back to like advocacy and the whole like the whole world of blue and you know, making friendships and relationships is we're gonna continue to lose people until we f you know, until we figure this out. And and so I think that's the to your point, I think that the cool part of it is we get to we get to hold hands, lock arms together and love each other through the shitty pieces of loss and grief. And weirdly enough, in those shitty experiences come the pockets of joy, you know, that we find in hanging on to each other, right? And saying, you know, this is shitty and we know it and we're here to hold on to you. And I think that's powerful. And I think that's what our peeps would. I know Mike would want me to do that. Mike charged me with a lot of those things, you know. He had a whole book of things that he expected. And I am really good at checking some of them off. Some of them I'm starting to figure out how to white over a little bit. But but the advocacy piece and the being with people and supporting people and through tragedy and through triumph is what we stood for and what I stand for, you know, in the continued chapters that, you know, Carrie and Mike both charged us with writing more chapters. And that's one of the pieces of the chapters in continuing to love people and lift people and and um support people is one of the chapters of, you know, my book that I'm still writing. I don't know about you.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

Yeah. And that book, yeah, is it's it's it's definitely it's it's a it's its own new chapter in a book that continues to to write itself. And I think that's where I get a little bit into the weeds for myself, is I know in theory, I know what Jimmy's going through, losing a wife and having to be the father of a teenager and doing that road alone. And you know, I'm at a point where I I have now found my kind of rhythm um through through this. But it's I remember what it was like, not just six months out, a year out, a year and a half out, two years out. It's a it's a long road, and there's so many of those hills and valleys that we go through mourning not only the loss, but then trying to figure out how to do this life without them. Um, and trying to be the parent for two. Um, you know, it was really cute. My kids the other day, well, Mother's Day was just a couple weeks ago, and they they gave me a a little breakfast um in bed as a as a joke, and I said, What is this for? And they're like, Well, you're not mom, but you you're you're trying to be both. And I thought that's that was sweet. They didn't want to give me Mother's Day because that's still Carrie's Day. Um and I'm not their mom. But they I think they now realize that I'm I'm wearing two hats, um, even though I'm not very good at the at the mom hat.

SPEAKER_01 16:15

Uh oh, whatever you are good at. The recognition is good. We're good at both. The recognition is good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:21

And I see that. Yeah, it made me think that oh, they you know, we got some thoughtful human beings here who also on Mother's Day miss their mom terribly. Yeah. Mother's Day is a terrible day for us, unfortunately. Um and we try to make the best out of it, and we go do some stuff that we used to do. We have in and out for her. Um, but that being said, that that's where my feeling for Jimmy and and and and others that I try to help out through these steps, um you know kind of really hits home. And that's where I'm that's where I struggle. Um, and at the same time, I know that he's got an incredible future ahead. But when you're in the weeds, you don't see that really at all. I know I think you're so right.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

Yeah, like you get you're we're seasoned, unf unfortunately seasoned, right? I don't know if it's it's spicy, if it's I don't know what the season is, what what type of season you would call it, but to your point, yeah. But that's the joy too. Like, I think we're gonna unpack some of those really cool things, like from like gr from grief from the like the the lowest. My friend Ange always told me, and I say this a lot now, listen, nothing else bad, like the worst thing has already happened to me. Yeah. The worst, I got cancer first, and then Mike, my partner, my my love of my life died. And so nothing worse can happen. And so, like, we've sat in this immense well, and we've been seasoned and we've learned how to get that rhythm, like you'd mentioned, and what a joy and pleasure it is to be able to give some fortitude to someone else and offer, you know, what what we know might be helpful, maybe not. Some of the things that we've done are not so helpful. But like running your car through the garage door um without it being up. But I think that's the joy of advocacy and like what we do and what we're doing here with this podcast is like we get to create space for, you know, a little bit of light to be shed through in some really, you know, crappy places, you know. Like we've sat down. Let me ask you we can help you.

SPEAKER_00 18:51

Let me ask you this. And and I I know that, you know, it beyond advocacy, beyond the colon cancer world and losing, you know, life still comes at us, right? There's there's the day-to-day stuff, and we have kids and we have our brothers and sisters and families and things that happen that are negative. And my brother had something going on, I'm not gonna say what it was on publicly, but my brother had some stuff going on in his life with his family, and he he called me up and he just said, What the fuck did the Peckham brothers do to deserve some of the shit that we're getting right now? And I you know, at the time when he called me, you could tell he was just hurting and angry, and like, you know, I I he's like, I do everything right. I I try to treat people the way they would want to be treated. I try to do all these things. And yet this terrible thing has happened to me right now. And as it turns out, everything's going to be okay, but at the time it was dire. But and so I don't I want everybody to know it, you know, everything's gonna be okay. But at the time it was it was pretty crazy. So it made me think and I and I said to him that we didn't do anything. There there's we're not we're not being paid back for something. They're not it's not the way this works. It's it's just life and nobody avoids different types of tragedy or difficult situations.

SPEAKER_01 20:20

It's how my sister calls us mutant. We're like mutants over here in our family. There's always something going on. Somebody's always got something. But you're so right. I hate the I hate the phrase people sometimes say, oh, you know, you know, God only gives this to the strongest people. And I'm like, no, that is so not true. No, absolutely wrong if that's the case.

unknown 20:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:45

That is God didn't give me cancer because I could hold on to it. And God didn't take my husband because I knew what to do and I would be able to handle it.

SPEAKER_00 20:54

No, that is a farce. I believe we're human beings and we we are a reflection of God, but human beings, unfortunately, there's disease. And there's, you know, this is this is just a step, and you know, we all live that step the best we we can and make the best of it. And I think that's just that's kind of how I handle it now at 54 years old and going on that there's gonna be challenges, and how do we challenge how do we how do we face those challenges?

SPEAKER_01 21:26

Somebody asked me that the other day. It's funny you mentioned that because somebody was like, Oh, you're just like so strong. You are so brave and you know, so courageous. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, you're wrong, wrong, wrong. And I was like, what I am is built this way. Like, I have no other way than what I know. And what I know is what I'm doing with it is using what has happened to me. And if you want to call it tragedy, call it what it is. I call it empowerment because for Me, the things that have happened to me, I have I have found a space with lots of therapy to empower myself. And listen, that and I say that and and that sounds like I have the cure all for all the tragedy that happens in my life. It's false. That's absolutely false. The the reality is it takes a lot of work and mental stamina all the time. And I have to s remind myself of things every day to continue to try and be in that space because some days I fall apart. But the reality of it is I wasn't built to like wither and and die. I was built to figure out what to do with something really bad and and find out to the way to make it a little bit better for someone else. And maybe that's through this podcast that you and I are doing, maybe that's through friendships and relationships that we all build. Um but I think that when it comes to what do you do with the grief that we deal with, it's it's about figuring out what that one thing is that you can do to equip yourself rather than um then put your feet in a in a sinking hole. Um but that takes a lot of of of work. And I think listening to our podcast, maybe.

SPEAKER_00 23:11

Yeah. And and realizing, I think, that the this too shall pass is kind of how I look at it. Like there for every dark cloud there's a ray of sunshine, and that we just tend to, as human beings, focus on more negatives than we actually celebrate the positives and the happiness that comes our way. I used to figure out a way to have a lot more happiness than I have sadness.

SPEAKER_01 23:40

Yeah. And I used to figure out ways to like take the sad and like write I'd write it down. Like, okay, this is the sad thing, but let's and and I'm not condoning like literally, like I I think it's important for uh for our viewers to hear, like we sit in a lot of grief. Both of us do, and we recognize yeah, and we recognize too that our viewers. Yeah, like I tell myself that a lot. We want our viewers to f understand that we f we want them to feel the grief because you gotta feel it in order to be able to figure out what to do with it. So you sit in that grief. Yeah, you sit in it and then you figure out a Yep, you gotta like figure out a way to like compartmentalize it and put it somewhere. And that's part of the process.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

It is, and it it is definitely a process, and well, I'm I'm glad to know that you're you're you're doing well and you were getting towards the end of your crazy busy season because we've got a lot coming on this podcast. And you know, next the the podcast coming after this, we're gonna discuss the crazy world of dating and falling in love again after we lose our uh lose the loves of our lives, like you just mentioned. Uh and I think the hardest thing after losing somebody is realizing um that you you can fall in love and there is there is more room in that heart for somebody else. And we're gonna put uh your fiance, uh Steve, into the hot seat. Um, onion. So until then and in that next episode, like us, uh subscribe, leave us more to come. Leave us so many comments, um, and and write reviews because that really, really helps boost the the the viewability and listenability of this podcast. And uh we appreciate all of you and thank you uh because really it's a chapter. We'll we'll talk to you soon. Heartbreak Warfare was produced and edited by Chase Peckham, co-produced by Caroline Motica. Please subscribe, like us, and share the podcast wherever you get your podcast. Heartbreak Warfare is also not intended to replace therapy. This is subject matter that covers great loss and tragedy. It is meant to be therapeutic and bring together those who have suffered great loss and tragedy. But it is also for those to help heal.